Toilet Training - Herculean Task of our Autism Journey

 Difference is a two way thing

must be known, or is it new?

You are but as different to me

as I have been to you

Do variations have to bring

with them, such distance?

Why not a bridge where

diverse can compliment?

It's common that people prefer

their own "cup of tea".

Choices are same or different

We are just unique - you and me.

By, Anagha Jawalekar

Every mother is reborn while giving birth to a child. When I was taken to the operation theatre for the delivery 18 years ago, I had no idea what courage and strength I would need to deliver the child. The doctor was insisting on me to push some more so that baby could come out though I was just unable to do it. Finally, she said it would take some more time and left the operation theatre. Suddenly, I didn't know what happened to me, but I started pushing myself. I was almost unconscious. Still, the doctor's words were reverberating in my ears. Push...Push, and I pushed myself. The baby was almost out. The nurse ran to call the doctor as she left for the home, saying that delivery will take two more hours and all this happened within half an hour. That day, I realized that supreme power is there, which gives you strength and courage to face all the challenges in life. ( Although I am not spiritually inclined). That time, I wasn't aware that, not this physical pain but the equally challenging emotional struggles would continue with me.

It was 2009, with Akshat was around 5.5 years. However, he was still not toilet trained. Feces was not a big issue as he used to stand at a place whenever he had that urge. On the other hand, pee was a big headache. Although, Ummeed center had provided detailed literature on toilet training and the therapists also have guided me for this, having said that, I was not able to train him. The toilet in our house was of Indian style. I remember the days when I used to take him to the washroom every half an hour. I used to use a flashcard to indicate the toilet, though he never used to pee when I took him to the washroom. But as soon as he came out, he used to wet his pants. That had become a routine, and I remember, many times, I had to wash 10-15 pants in a day. I never used diapers just because I wanted that Akshat should experience the epiphany of being wet and dry.

When nothing worked out, I tried to change my techniques and stopped using flashcards. It was majorly due to frustration because Akshat was not picking up to use the flashcard. I stuck to the time intervals only and followed that. It was difficult to follow the time intervals and accidents(wetting the pants), happened many times (which should not be happened). There was always a constant mental pressure of him peeing in pants, especially if we had to go out. I can never forget those days when I used to wash his pants and just cry and expect him to be toilet trained one day. That was my only expectation from my son at that time. Somehow, I continued with few things:

1. Do not use diapers.
2. Follow the time intervals as much as possible.
3. Avoid Accidents.
4. Use flashcards, at least while going out.

Meanwhile, in 2011 we shifted to a new house. Moreover, this house had a western toilet. Within a week, Akshat started using the toilet independently. For me, it was a cosmic achievement and satisfaction. Also, I realized that he found the western-style toilet comfortable, convenient, and safe. Although, later, he learned to use an Indian-style toilet also. At the age of 8 years, he got toilet trained. Generally, a neurotypical child is toilet trained by two years of age. In Akshat's s case, it was a delay of 6 years. But for me, it was just a non-stop effort and an emotional challenge of 6 years. This behavior taught me that sometimes things that seem to be challenging perhaps have simple reasons too. The only need is to deal with them with a scientific approach and cool head. Of course, this was my first learning towards analyzing, observing, and logical thinking.

Presenting, one more conversation between Akshat and me. It was just 5 months old but he is now much more clear in his thoughts. Try to read between the lines...

19-3-21

Me. Many parents who have just come to know about Autism, have so many doubts…What do you want to say them…

Him. it is important to know that Autism is not curable. it has horrible impact in one’s life but one can lead an assisted life always.

Me. Horrible is a strong word…can you please describe what you mean by horrible impact…

 Him.  It means that interest is not there in home things not in love with anyone interest not in bike .

Me. Are you talking about people on spectrum, in general?

Him. yes

Me. Hmm…Being on the spectrum, some people have such a wide range of interest, from cooking to sports to music to arts to painting and what not…they enjoy their life to the fullest….

    Him. my life is like a too important.

 Me. Yes…of course.. Everybody’s life is important….Everyone has a role to play in his/her life and a purpose to follow…

Him. that’s true.

Me. Ok…So, you were telling that people on the spectrum can’t be in love with anyone…is that because they can’t express their feelings or they can’t feel it themselves…

Him. sometime it is like I feel love is good in touching people’s life. 

Me. And how can one touch another’s life with love….

Him. by showing his care and empathy.

 Me. ok…So, are people on spectrum able to express these feelings or they find any difficulty in understanding them…

Him. no, their understanding is good but they are unable to express them.