Dealing With Aggression- Part 2- Practicing Mindfulness

 

When I wrote the first part on dealing with aggression, I received many messages personally. In most of the messages, it had been said that one needs courage to share what I have shared. I do not know if I had done anything courageous. I simply wanted to share my experiences that I am going through in this autism journey. Many parents have gone through these experiences and/or going through it, but not all of them are in a situation to share them.

I know personally parents who are not only struggling with the child’s challenges but with other issues also. I gather my courage by looking up to them, and I dedicate this post to them.

The post will be a little long. Please bear with me.

Currently, we are walking on the toughest terrain of our journey. Akshat’s aggression is on peak and he does not want to listen to ‘NO’ whereas, most of the time he says ‘NO’. (Reasons I have discussed in earlier post)

Therefore, what I have identified is,

1.    I have to prepare myself to withstand the storm and

2.    More importantly, prepare Akshat to deal with his meltdowns.

 

1.    Preparing myself to deal with Akshat’s aggression: As I mentioned in my last post that his aggression started two years back (around the start of 2020). I realized that

a.     I have to be strong enough physically and mentally to deal with his aggression.

b.    I need to be calm during his expression of anger. (Though it is very difficult and I tend to react at times.)

c.     I need a strong support system so that I can vent out regularly without being judged, and thankfully, I have a handful of parents with whom I discuss things ‘other than autism’.

d.    For point a and b, I did Akila Ma’am’s Antara program which coincidently came that time. Antara program was all about discovering oneself and replacing the false beliefs with the new ones. For me, it was making peace with the past. After doing the Antara, I realized that until you are in discord with your own thoughts, you cannot be in peace and cannot focus on your present. Therefore, doing Antara helped me a lot. Believe me, when you have to deal with aggression and meltdowns, you need extraordinary coping skills. I consciously worked on myself to be stronger mentally and emotionally so that I could deal with all the challenges.

 

e.    Meanwhile, I wanted a space for me and do something meaningful, which can provide me sanity. Therefore, I started guiding and counseling fellow parents and started my own programs. I love running them and when a child benefits from my guidance, it is like top of the world, feeling.

This is how I am trying to keep myself motivated. While dealing with the teenager’s challenges, more than physical strengths, I think one needs to be mentally strong and that is what I try to do every day.

2.    Preparing Akshat to deal with his aggression:

a.    Working on Cognitive front:

I am fortunate that Ms. Archita Basu guides me personally on Akshat’s cognition skills. She made me realize that how working on his cognitive capacity can really make a difference and help him to self-regulate. I shared most of our conversations with Ms. Basu and she suggested to work on the core beliefs and work on the difficult emotions. Some of the measures that are helping me to deal with his aggression are:

 

·       Our conversations helped me a lot to know how his feelings are changing and what he is thinking about his surroundings and people. In last two years, I have observed that how his selection of songs is associated with his changing feelings. If he listen to a particular song, the song reflects his feelings. I remember, earlier his choice of songs were based on youth, friendship, passion, patriotism, care etc. and then it gradually changed to love and romance. Therefore, again I am using music to build his self-esteem and core beliefs.

 

·       Speaking positive affirmations: Everyday, after the exercise when he relax, I speak some affirmations for him and they are doing wonders. He himself said that they are working.

 

·       Working on core beliefs: His replies in the conversations somewhere reflects the feelings of being different, struggle with difficult emotions, which leads to loss of interest, lack of motivation etc. Therefore, I need to work systematically to replace his core beliefs with the fresh ones.

 

·       In addition, I attended a series of webinars of Akila Ma’am in 2020, which also helped me to understand his situation. Along with the physical growth, I could observe his cognitive changes started happening around 15 years (in adolescence age). His abstract thinking, comprehension, metacognition improved. Within last two years (16 to 18 years), many changes occurred at the emotional, social and behavioral front and his needs got drastically changed which I think also led to aggression.

·       Self-regulation, Mindfulness activities are working and I can see the change but still it will take a long time for any concrete change.

 

b.    Working on Functional front: Apart from working cognitively, I observed that I have to do something more and that is when I consulted Akila Ma’am. She suggested that this is the time, when Akshat needs peer interaction, group setting and other exposure more than anything else.  

·       I have cut off all the ‘unnecessary’ work, reshuffled his schedule, do not push him and right only focussing on his mental wellbeing and a bit of meaningful work and productive time.

• ·       Therefore, I think, I have to try a few centres here in Vadodara where he can go for some vocational work and can have a peer interaction and a group exposure, once the vacation over.

·       I am trying to take him out every day but his rigidity is an issue.

· Finding a companion: Many times, I feel that he needs a companion. Therefore, I need to think what alternative I can provide him for this.

·    Moreover, most importantly, try to build stronger bonds in our parents group so that our children can reap the fruits and for that, I organize get together every now and then so the kids can gel with each other.

These are some immediate measures, which I want to execute, and besides these, I will explore some other options too. I know the limitations and I am trying to find best possible solutions. I hope that things will change for the better.

Sharing a conversation between us...The conversation happened after a day when he had an anger attack and he bang on my head and pulled my hair...

7-05-22

M. Yesterday you hit me so badly that its paining in my head till now…anything could happen…any severe injury in my head…this frequent aggressive behaviour of yours now affecting me mentally, emotionally and physically…

A. I was not in the mood.

M. So???? You will hit me?…What if something had happened to me. Can you realize the mental trauma me and daddy is having because of all this…Just because ‘you were not in mood’….

A. My mood create problem.

M. We are doing regulation activities everyday…Aren’t they working…

A. Yes…. they are working.

M. I can’t see any change…The intensity of aggression is even more than before…

A. yes…the intensity is more but regulation is working.

M. And what if something untoward happened in between, because your intensity is at peak and you can’t control it…

A. I am also not sure.

M. Hmm…So, better we have to be careful. Are you hopeful about the regulation techniques? Will you be able to regulate your anger with the help of these techniques…

A. Yess….i am sure about them.

M. What techniques are you using…

A. Mindfulness.