Building Resilience – The concrete way

 Resilience

One who bends, rebounds you see

And stuff that's stiff, breaks tad

Make lemonade with unexpected lemons

Adapt to change - it's not all bad

Being aware will help you cope

Recognize your emotions, understand

Self compassion can heal, not pity,

Take a break, don't be overwhelmed

Hold your faith, when you're set back

Of old successes, make a mental bank

Be rational, focus, find positive solution

Move up your strength, boost up your rank

Many things are beyond control

yet final choice is always your own

You're a survivor, not a victim

So act like one and let it be known.

It, that's flex, regains its form.

That deforms is mere plastic.

Come now, spring back from crisis,

Be resilient, that's fantastic.

By, Anagha Jawalekar

As I have discussed in detail in the last post about all the measures, that I am trying, to manage Akshat’s aggression, but my bigger purpose is to make him recognize his own valour and to use it whenever and wherever needed in life.

With the use of positive affirmations, his aggression has reduced but it is still there and I need to explore alternatives for him. Rigidity and stagnancy makes the things more difficult. Therefore, I started working on the following points with him:-

1. Goal setting with realistic expectation: It’s high time now that Akshat should have a goal/purpose. Until now, I am unable to find any vocational work for him, which is gripping, productive and remunerating as well. I am teaching him computer skills a little. He says that he finds writing interesting, but I have to observe him before reaching any conclusion. However, I feel he has potential for writing. I realized that he has to understand the meaning and importance of having an objective in life, and how to achieve it.

a.     I showed him the song ‘mai aisa kyo hu’ from the movie ‘Lakshya’ that he already likes. I explained him the song and told him that how it feels when we do not have any purpose or goal in life.

b.    Then, I started showing him the ‘Lakshya’ title song, which is also one of his favourite, and explained the change in boy when he found the goal of his life. Similarly, I am giving him examples of few other songs to explain motivation, determination, challenges etc.

c.     To make him understand better, I asked him to set few goals for himself. He exercises daily, so I asked him to do at least five surya namaskars in one go. Moreover, that became his goal. I started noting the figures on the whiteboard, and keep showing him every day whether he is achieving the target or not.  

(With this graphical representation, I tried to explain him his performance, his current level, how he can improve etc. I believe that, illustration of abstract concepts in a concrete way will help him understand. )

1. 2.  Building Mental Strength: He does vrukshasan also for one minute daily. Therefore, I asked him to check his maximum holding time at one leg. I told him the more he keep up, more it will help him to focus and concentrate and ultimately improve his mental strength. I noted down the time and showed him in the form of a graph, which helped me explain his performance, progression, regression, consistency, inconsistency etc.

3. Self Esteem: Whenever he performs well in his exercise, as some day, he does ten suryanamaskar in one go or holds at one leg for more than 50 sec in vrukshasan(Tree pose) or any other asana he does, I take this opportunity to praise him a lot which helps to improve his self-esteem.

4. Understanding and Acceptance of his own strength and weaknesses: It is significant that he should know and realize his strength and weaknesses and accordingly work on it. Before working on any new thing, I always ask him whether he is interested in it or would be able to do it.

5. Self Control: This is something most difficult to achieve even for us. Through mindful affirmations, I am trying to teach him to control his mind. I use songs, our daily conversations and other daily happenings (Will share his dental treatment in next post) to explain how he can control his mind and cope with his challenges.

 6. Willingness to overcome challenges: During our conversations, I have observed many times he says ‘he will try’, which shows his flexibility and willingness to try for a better version of himself. Through the graphic representation of the exercise, I showed him that he is still inconsistent in his performance and to build a better mental and physical strength and to cope with his challenges, he has to be consistent in his performance.

7.    Optimistic thinking patterns: In few of our recent conversation, he has told me about his ‘mood swings’, which he unable to cope up, and that leads to aggression. (This scare me sometime.)

Well, the kind of understanding Akshat has, it is foremost to develop optimistic thinking patterns and core beliefs because ‘mood swings’ may be a sign of developing depressive thoughts. Whenever get a chance, I tell him to take his thoughts lightly. Rigidity is also an issue, which increases with age. He needs to realise that he is also valuable like any other adult of his age. A meaningful, productive vocational is required. A supportive peer group and community is also very much needed. I hope I would be able to provide him all this.

 8.    Perspective thinking:  With my personal experience, this is one of the dominant skills to learn. To know our own emotions and what others are feeling, is also a life skill. Thanks to Archita Ma’am as I realized the importance of theory of mind and worked with Akshat on it. Still, he needs to learn a lot in this area.

 9.    Social skills, and ability to seek assistance from others: This is an area where I have to work rigorously. He has to learn how and whom to ask for help.

 

Therefore, while working on the above points, hopefully, it will develop resilience in him. His aggression has slightly reduced in last month, but I still need to work on his mental strength, which I believe, if he would be able to build, will take him far.

 

Sharing one more conversation of us. I really wonder what kind of thoughts swirling in his mind. The more I converse, more it astonish me.

31-5-22

M. These days, you are listening to songs like ‘my heart goes on’, ‘tum mile dil khile’, ‘ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laga’ etc. What so special in these songs…

A. these songs are about love in hero and heroine.

M. Yeah…I know…Do you relate yourself to these songs in anyway?

A. No love cannot happen to me.

M. Why do you think so…

A. As my heart do not feel for it.

M.Ok…But you like to watch romantic songs. Isn’t it…

A. Yes.

M. That is a bit strange for me…Then what do you like in these songs?

A. I like their music.

M. But you watch the video also so keenly…

A. Yes because videos are additional attraction.

M. Ohhk…Got it…

A. How is the love happen?

M.  The bond and trust between you and me is, LOVE.

Daddy cares for you and worry about you. This is LOVE.

When two persons start having a mutual feeling for each other, is LOVE.

Nature cares for every living being on the earth, which is LOVE.

God protect and look after us, which is LOVE.

A. A.  people love the way they want in their comfort.

M. You mean to say as per their convenience?

A. yes.

M. Hmm...can you give me any example where you have seen or experience that…

A. in the movie main aisa kyo hoo

M. Ohhk…I got it…Actually it is a song from the movie ‘Lakshya’ but why did you feel that the love happened as per the convenience after watching that song?

A. In that song the girl went away because the boy could not show her his passion towards his goal.

M. Hmm…But that doesn’t mean that the girl don’t love him…She actually want the boy to realize his dream and be sincere about it. Sometimes one has to pretend tough to make it realise to other.

A. hmm... it bothered me.

M. Hmm…Its ok…Most important, take your thoughts lightly…Do not bother about everything…it is just a movie and it is a fiction not a reality, so don’t jump on the conclusions straight forward…You need to consider the whole scenario…there can be many aspects to a situation…

A. Yes…I need to learn that.

M. We will do some exercises on this where you can learn to analyse a situation…

A. Yes.